Jul/090
8 factors that may ruin your relationship
According to research recently published from the Australian National University, the following are some key factors that, if present, will greatly INCREASE a couple’s odds of getting divorced and/or breaking up:
1) Men who nine or more years older than their spouse.
2) Men who marry before the age of 25.
3) Couples who marry and have kids from previous relationships.
4) Women who want children MORE than their partner.
5) One or more of a couple’s parents have divorced or separated.
6) Partners who have been married more than once.
7) Couples who are poor or are financially challenged.
8) When one partner smokes and the other doesn’t.
So according to our esteemed researchers down-under, here’s the recipe for a successful, blissful, life-long relationship:
Marry only once when you are older (preferrably in your 30’s or beyond). Marry only if you and your spouse have no children from a previous relationship. Marry someone who is close in age to you. Only marry someone who smokes if you do too. Marry someone who wants or doesn’t want children as much as you do. Only marry someone whose parents have never divorced. Don’t get married (especially you guys) until you have some money and can provide a satisfactory lifestyle.
[or] the short version:
Only marry/get involved with: A similarly-aged, 30 or 40-something, never-been-married, kid-less, non-smoker who is financially secure and whose parents are Ward and June Cleaver.
Sounds like a tall order. Or a short order for singleness perhaps…
(The study titled, “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.)
©2009 Tom Leu
Jul/090
are YOU being manipulated?
Is to persuade… to manipulate?
Are you being manipulated when you get persuaded or influenced to think or act in a certain way?
The answer is…YES.
Yes. Persuasion IS manipulation.
And it is YES, every time.
By definition, to persuade REQUIRES some amount of manipulation.
But why?
Because to manipulate means to influence (others or oneself) skillfully, usually to one’s advantage. To persuade means to succeed in causing or influencing a person to do or consent to something. Persuasion cannot occur without some degree of manipulation present in the first place, exerting influence.
Effective persuasion is about recognizing and effectively manipulating the collection of beliefs and perspectives that YOU KNOW others have accumulated and cling to throughout their lives.
But being “manipulative” is most often viewed as being a negative thing. And it may be at times, but it doesn’t always have to be.
When anyone gets persuaded to do anything, they are being manipulated. A desired outcome is being sought through the maneuvering of the circumstances and/or the situation. Whether this “manipulation” is deemed “good” or “bad” is all a matter of perspective.
And one’s perspective is also dependent upon persuasion. Cultural, societal, and family values and experiences all heavily influence and PERSUADE one’s perspectives of the world. An old mentor of mine used to say: “The world is as you are, not as it is.” So true… read it again.
Get over worrying about whether practicing persuasion is being manipulative. IT IS! Call it whatever you want; it’s still about influencing outcomes. And attempting to influence outcomes is a business we’re all in whether we’re consciously aware of it or not. Learning how to be more successful at this universal pursuit is simply smart. Where people get hung up is on the subject of MOTIVES. You can’t talk about manipulation (i.e. persuasion) without talking about the motives behind the manipulation as well.
What are the intentions behind this influence, or persuasion, or manipulation? That’s the question that looms large in a lot of people’s minds.
Debating the motives of the manipulation is THE classic argument. For example, if one’s motives are good, some say, then the manipulation (persuasion) is OK, and vice-versa.
Well, who defines what’s good and not good?
Everyone does. It’s always been that way, and always will be. And therein lies the problem.
Whether the motives underlying the manipulation are viewed as positive or negative also depend on a person’s perspective. And this perspective about what is negatively manipulative or unethical is based on one’s perception (the way they “see” the world). It often becomes a big, giant blob of circular reasoning.
It goes like this: “This is good because I perceive it as good; because I was taught to perceive that it was good; so therefore I believe that it is good; so therefore this is good.”
Though largely unconscious, people think they really went somewhere with that argument, but they’ve really just ended where they began. They said nothing. They proved nothing. They simply restated their perspective; their perception; their opinion in a superficially-clever way.
This is all done with the intention to manipulate and persuade others to see things their way; to agree with their way of thinking; to buy into their beliefs. Many political and religious organizations are experts at doing this very well.
Too many people get hung up (and spend too much time) on this philosophical argument of whether the science of persuasion or the art of influence is good or bad. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is for you (the master persuader) to understand how these perceptions influence other people’s decisions. Let everyone else fight the good or bad, right or wrong, left or right debates.
Only you know the truth about your own motives and intentions surrounding your efforts to persuade and manipulate others. Let your conscience be your guide. The rest of us are moving on…
The wise person is looking at this game of life from a unique perspective. They are actively pursuing a birds-eye-view of human nature that’s happening in real-time and are responding accordingly, shrewdly, and carefully. This perspective is one that gets results by intelligently and effectively influencing outcomes while everyone else is sweating the details.
So yes, I am attempting to manipulate/persuade/influence you (with the best of intentions and motives) to get you to really think about these things. To apply them to your life; to potentially improve the quality of your life, and the lives of others. At the end of the day, that’s really all that matters.
Manipulative? Absolutely.
Persuasive? Depends on your perspective.
Smart? No question.
Now you know.
©2009 Tom Leu
Jul/090
square peg-round hole syndrome
Got goals?
Got big dreams and plans that you’ve been harboring and hinting at for a long time?
Here’s a news flash:
Whatever your big plans or intentions are…
If you haven’t done it by now; if you haven’t acted on your aspirations; you probably aren’t going to.
Game over.
Get off the merry-go-round and get on with your life.
Move on and make room for what really matters to you.
The argument is that if it hasn’t happened yet, there’s a reason. And the likely reason is that you haven’t put the necessary time and effiort into it to make IT happen.
And the reason for that is because you don’t care enough about IT to do what’s necessary ongoing. You’re either not doing things right, or not doing enough of the right things.
You like the IDEA of it more than the REALITY of it. It sounds good in theory, but doesn’t play in the real world.
What truly matters to us is that which not only gets our attention, but gets our action. If it’s all talk, then it’s just crap. Intention without action is useless. There’s got to be consistent action taken over time to really make things happen. There has to be a commitment to the details in order for the dream to become the reality.
This only happens by focusing on and doing that which we really love. Letting go of the ought to’s and should do’s frees up space on our mental hard drives and affords us the opportunity to focus on that which we WILL do.
Seth Godin’s book, The Dip, correctly suggests that there may be a right time to QUIT certain things, at certain times, if they are no longer serving us. I agree.
The “square peg-round hole syndrome” results when people try to be something they’re not. To do something they’re not cut out to do. It occurs when people believe in an idea about themselves, or a version of themselves, that at the end of the day, isn’t who they really are, and thus never materializes.
It’s not that they’re bad or unintelligent or unmotivated. It’s that they’re trying to FORCE it. And when we force things… things usually get broken.
This often happens to people when they try living up to faulty internal or misguided external expectations that may be decades old.
If any of this is ringing true for you… it’s time to get out of fantasy and into reality.
It may be time to trim the fat, get focused, get free from the fantasy. It’s OK, really.
If you’ve been spinning your wheels trying to get somewhere you thought you wanted to go, never seeming to arrive at your destination… it’s time to reconsider your destination and your motives for wanting to go there in the first place. Don’t try to be something you’re not.
Tell the truth. Be honest with yourself about what you like and don’t like; what you’re good at and what you’re not. Only undertake those things that really mean something to you. Those things that you’re truly passionate about. Those things that keep you up late at night and get you up early in the morning. Those things that you’d do for free. Marry that passion with your natural abilities and skills. Those things that you really have a knack for. Those things that others recognize you’re good at. Those things that you do as well, or better than most others.
Combine this passion and this talent… THIS is where you should be. THIS is what you should be doing. THIS is where you should live.
Maybe you’ll make a business out it. Maybe you won’t. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you will NOW have the peace of mind knowing you are in the right place, at the right time, doing that which you are supposed to be doing, for all the right reasons.
And that is worth more than money.
That is all there is to do. Because “doing” this… is “being” who you are supposed to be.
And that is what the ”richest” among us eventually come to understand.
Game on.
“It doesn’t matter how much you want. What really matters is how much you want it.” – Ralph Marston
©2009 Tom Leu
Jul/090
amot#48
We’ll never get comfortable doing positive new things at last [until] we get uncomfortable with the negative old things first.
©2009 Tom Leu
Jul/090
Criss Angel Persuasion
Why is illusionist Criss Angel so successful? Why do you know his name? It’s not because he does neat magic tricks.
The answer: Persuasion.
Criss Angel is a master persuader.
- He persuaded many others to believe in him and his vision.
- He persuaded his family and friends to not only support, but to finance his vision in the early days.
- He persuaded television executives to produce and air his show that made him famous.
- He persuaded everyone to pay attention. And ultimately, getting attention comes from being persuasive.
- And he’s persuading you to read this article right now…
All successful people are master persuaders. Very simply, Criss Angel knows how to get what he wants from other people by giving them what they want. He gets what he wants by making other people feel the way they want to feel.
Did you get that?
Give other people the universal feelings they want (feelings of hope, happiness, & inspiration for example); get them to emotionally respond to you, and you can now write your own ticket and do whatever you want to do. The most successful entertainers, politicians, and religions understand this. As long as your motives are good; everybody wins.
Criss admits he’s not the best magician or musician there ever was, but he has an internal drive that made his success inevitable. This dedication to persuasion makes the difference. And since success and persuasion are interrelated, it’s important to recognize some key elements that need to be present.
1. Be different. If the product isn’t new, the delivery method has to be. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel but you need to offer a new kind of wheel perhaps. What’s your point of difference? What makes you unique? Don’t just be another magician; be a different kind of magician who delivers magic differently. Do this in a big way.
2. Be big. Be hard to ignore. Create a buzz by your difference. Make it impossible for people to not know of you. It takes balls to be big. People don’t pay attention until they have to. People don’t give their attention to that which doesn’t get their attention in the first place. You have to be out there and be taking calculated risks to blaze trails.
3. Be willing to fail. Risk taking and risk talking are not the same thing. I’ve heard it said: “If you don’t try, you’ve already failed.” Don’t just talk about it; take action. Don’t fear the failing. Fear the procrastinating. Try new approaches when old ones falter. Don’t fear the detractors. Fear having NO detractors. True fans will find you.
4. Be a people person. Study the science of persuasion and the art of influence. Since you’re reading this now, you already know there’s tons of great stuff out there. (Kevin Hogan and AJ Kumar are two of my personal favorites). Learn. Pay attention to people the way most people don’t. Notice the unnoticeable. Tune in and fine tune how you interact with others. Give people what they want and they will reciprocate.
Criss Angel: love him, hate him, or don’t care about him; you know of him. That’s the point. And the Persuasion is the difference.
©2009 Tom Leu
Jul/090
Too many preachers and too few teachers make Johnny a dull boy.
©2009 Tom Leu
Posted via SMS from Tom Leu
Jun/090
8 Traits of Killer Communicators
Neuro-linguistic programming or NLP is a therapy system pioneered in the 1970’s by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. NLP teaches people to become more self-aware and to become 
better communicators while simultaneously changing their patterns of mental and emotional behavior. In other words: begin to think different; begin to act different.
After studying several prominent and successful psychotherapists, Bandler and Grinder concluded that the most successful communicators IN ANY INDUSTRY shared a few common traits. Here’s a quick summary of their findings along with some of my own thoughts… in no particular order of importance.
Great communicators are:
1. Purposeful. They know what they want and are proactive rather than reactive.
2. Flexible. They are open to change, and enjoy trying new ways of doing things, and can adjust on-the-fly.
3. Intuitive. They read and are extremely responsive to the nonverbal communication and body language of others.
4. Visionary. They are consistently looking at and evaluating the bigger picture.
5. Optimistic. They embrace difficult or challenging situations as learning opportunities rather than problems.
6. Compassionate. They genuinely care for others and look for the good in people and circumstances.
7. Talented. They are genuinely gifted and really good at what they do.
8. Determined. They are internally driven and refuse to give up.
Killer communicators know the precise outcome they want to achieve, are able to come up with different approaches to getting it, and are flexible all along the way. They are aware of their strengths AND opportunity areas, yet occasionally kick and scream just like everyone else sometimes.
©2009 Tom Leu
Jun/090
happy money
To make happiness: Do what you love. To make money: Do what other people love. Understand the difference between loving what you do and giving others what they think they need.
©2009 Tom Leu
Posted via web from Tom Leu
TOMLEU.TV
Tom Leu is a writer, speaker, and teacher with an M.S. in Psychology; and is an aspiring expert on the principles of persuasion, influence, and communication that affect lifestyle success... Get LIT!
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