Jul/092
8 factors that may ruin your relationship
According to research recently published from the Australian National University, the following are some key factors that, if present, will greatly INCREASE a couple’s odds of getting divorced and/or breaking up:
1) Men who nine or more years older than their spouse.
2) Men who marry before the age of 25.
3) Couples who marry and have kids from previous relationships.
4) Women who want children MORE than their partner.
5) One or more of a couple’s parents have divorced or separated.
6) Partners who have been married more than once.
7) Couples who are poor or are financially challenged.
8) When one partner smokes and the other doesn’t.
So according to our esteemed researchers down-under, here’s the recipe for a successful, blissful, life-long relationship:
Marry only once when you are older (preferrably in your 30’s or beyond). Marry only if you and your spouse have no children from a previous relationship. Marry someone who is close in age to you. Only marry someone who smokes if you do too. Marry someone who wants or doesn’t want children as much as you do. Only marry someone whose parents have never divorced. Don’t get married (especially you guys) until you have some money and can provide a satisfactory lifestyle.
[or] the short version:
Only marry/get involved with: A similarly-aged, 30 or 40-something, never-been-married, kid-less, non-smoker who is financially secure and whose parents are Ward and June Cleaver.
Sounds like a tall order. Or a short order for singleness perhaps…
(The study titled, “What’s Love Got to Do With It,” was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.)
©2009 Tom Leu
Oct/080
words
In the beginning of most relationships, the words spoken are very significant. We hang on them, review 
them, and need them. The relationship is defined by them. Over time however, the words become less important than each other’s actions. It becomes evident that what is done, not necessarily what is said, that’s most important.
©2008 Tom Leu
Oct/080
silent listening
Do you realize that the words SILENT and LISTEN are spelled with the exact same letters? I didn’t until it was pointed out to me… so what?
Clean the ego out of the ears.
True listening cannot exist without the listener being silent… not only verbally silent, but mentally silent. Not speaking is much easier than turning the mind off momentarily and really paying attention to someone else. Real listening does not include planning what you are going to say next. Easier said than done.
Authentic listening is active and requires effort, empathy, focus and concentration toward another. To truly hear someone, we have to be able to be still and really listen to them. We need to lean into what they are saying and attempt to understand what they are really trying to tell us (not what we want to hear). This takes practice but the rewards are huge.
Are you hearing me?
©2008 Tom Leu
Aug/082
8 Myths About Relationships
Since we all have been, are currently, or will be in a “relationship,” the following excerpt from Morrie and Arleah Shechtman’s book Love in the Present Tense, is refreshingly invaluable. I had the great privilege of working with, and being coached/mentored by the Shechtmans over an 18 month period several years ago when I worked as an Operations Director for a Fortune 200 company in Cedar Rapids, IA. My experiences with them and their teachings have enhanced my personal and professional life significantly throughout the years. In their trademark “caring for” vs. “caretaking” style, the Shechtmans continue to tell it like it is…
Across the country, marriages are in trouble. The divorce rate remains high and more and more people are joining the ranks of the walking wounded, desperately looking for some way to hold their families together. In their groundbreaking book, Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage, relationship experts Morrie and Arleah Shechtman challenge the conventional wisdom that has held our collective consciousness hostage since the inception of the pop therapy phenomenon.
The Shechtmans debunk eight myths surrounding marriage and offer contrasting realities:
- Myth: Opposites attract. A couple, in their differences, complements each other.
Reality: Great relationships require identical core values.- Myth: Love will carry you through the hard times in a relationship.
Reality: It is shared values that pull you through a crisis.- Myth: You need to work on your marriage if you want it to be good.
Reality: Relationships don’t have problems; people do.- Myth: Selflessness and giving to others builds the best relationships.
Reality: Clear limits and boundaries build mutual respect and lasting relationships.- Myth: Unconditional acceptance of your partner is the foundation of a good marriage.
Reality: If you don’t make demands on your partner, then you don’t really care.- Myth: Frequent conflicts are a sign that a marriage is in trouble.
Reality: Your willingness to engage in conflict determines the depth and quality of your relationship.- Myth: Spending lots of time together is very important.
Reality: The best relationships are low maintenance/high intimacy.- Myth: Trusting your partner is essential to a good relationship.
Reality: It is trusting yourself that is essential.
If you’re intrigued, BUY the book. For more information about Morrie and Arleah Shecthman’s work, visit www.morrieandarleah.com
©2008 Tom Leu
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Tom Leu is a writer, speaker, photographer, and teacher with degrees in Psychology and Sociology. Tom's RockStar Way™ brand uncovers the extraordinary "images" within music, marketing & motivation.
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