Too Hard?

What Happened:

You approach someone at a place you’re working to proactively share some skills you have to offer the company, and to communicate the additional value you bring to the table. This person’s been there awhile. Since you’re new, (and just because it’s the way you’re wired), you’re nice-as-hell because you genuinely want to help, while also being assertive and making your other talents known. Their very passive-aggressive and off-putting response to your offer:

“Yeeeaaahhh… ummmm, that’s kinda my job so… I don’t think so.”

A very awkward pause immediately follows which is rivaled only by their defensive body language which is screaming “please leave this office now, and never come in here again threatening my fragile-little-fucking-ego.” 

What Else They Likely Wanted to Say:

“Sorry, but your mere presence here makes me uncomfortable because I’ve heard about you and want to keep you the fuck outta my business for fear of looking bad.” “Plus, I don’t want to do any additional work above and beyond the work I already have to do, and am trying desperately to look like I’m doing at a high-level.”

What Should Have Happened:

New person approaches old person with an offer to help and to get more assimilated into the company. Dialogue ought to go something like this:

New person to old person…

“Hi [their name], my name is [your name] and I do this [outline of skills you’re offering to bring to the table]. Wondering if you could use some help with [stuff they do that you think your skills could help with]? I’d love to contribute more here and show you what I can do for [compay name here].”

Old person to new person…

“Hey [your name], thanks for stopping by. I really appreciate the offer. Here’s how things typically work around here. Normally, stuff like this is handled this way [the way shit is typically handled there]. I really appreciate the offer, and if something comes up down the road where we can use your talents, I will certainly get ahold of you. Let me take down your contact info for future reference. I appreciate you bringing this to my attention …”

See, it’s not too hard… or is it?

Stay tuned-in…




What happens:

PEOPLE SPEWING ALL OF THEIR PERSONAL DRAMA (WITH or without) CAPS LOCK ON ALL OVER FACEBOOK AND OTHER ASSORTED SOCIAL MEDIA SITES… (complete with reckless overuse of the various keypad killers such as !!!!!!!!!!!! and &&**@@##, etc).

What should happen:

1) Demonstrate some RESTRAINT for fuck’s sake by riding roughshod over your impulsive, knee jerk reactions whenever your expectations (of the world and everyone in it) don’t get met. If that’s not possible within your twisted network of neurons, then…

2) Apply to get on one of those daytime “talk shows” that celebrate the skillful display of projectile chairs, frequent flying f-bombs, and idiotic and often incomprehensible rants, to air out all of your bullshit.

3) Expect to have one less “friend” fielding every single FEELING that crosses your corpus callosum…

Stay tuned-in…

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Assumption Gumption

assumptionsWhat happened…

Restaurant Customer: (scrolling on her phone frustratedly says aloud)… “Psalm 27…? Why do people do that…? Yet another scripture Facebook status!”

Waiter: (exuberantly replying after overhearing only the concluding sentence)… Oh I love that one!

RC: (taken off-guard)… What, Psalm 27?

W: Yes, it’s a song in my heart!

RC: (mildly shocked at the quickly formed false-assumption of a shared common interest)… You wrote a song about a scripture?

W: (proudly)… Well, I have it memorized in my heart and then the Lord gave me a melody to go along with it.

RC: I see.

W: Where do you go to church?

RC: (with direct eye contact)… I don’t.

W: (surprised, now aware of his overreach, but yet unaware of his outward nonverbal display of sympathetic condescension)… Oh… looking around then?

RC: (with direct eye contact and firm resolve)… Nope. Used to go, but don’t anymore.

W: (embarassed pause searching for an appropriate response)… Oh, I’m sorry if I offended you.

RC: (smiling)… No, not at all.

W: So, are you ready to order…?

What should have happened…

Restaurant Customer: (scrolling on her phone frustratedly says aloud)… “Psalm 27…? Why do people do that…? Yet another scripture Facebook status!”

Waiter: (cautiously)… Are you a fan of the Psalms?

RC: Nope. Not my area of interest.

W: I see. Are you ready to order?

Have the gumption to supervise your assumptions. This proactive activity will prevent the unnecessary foot-on-mouth disease from rearing its ugly head at inopportune times. It also makes you a touch less of tool in social settings.

Stay tuned-in…


Calling On You

calling_on_youWhat happened:

Minding my own business, after business hours, browsing (and usually buying) at the local Barnes & Noble on a Tuesday night… My PERSONAL cell phone rings, but I don’t recognize the number, so I let it go to voice mail.

The message is the third time a certain individual from a certain organization that I worked for has called me in the evening, in a panic, requesting me to call him back ASAP to solve a problem he has failed to adequately prepare for at this particular moment in time. (Important note for clarification: my official role in this situation was NOT a 24×7 customer service/technical support representative).

I call back (from my BUSINESS cell phone that I’ve asked this person to use instead of my personal number twice previously) within about three minutes of his call. I begin to calmly explain the proper protocol for support issues yet AGAIN to this person, but still ask the nature of the problem in the hopes of offering some amount of assistance.

Apparently, this thirty second explanation upon returning this call is taking too long because I get cut off mid-sentence with “Yeah, well, I really need to get back, I don’t have time to get into all of this right now.” Or something to that effect…

Undaunted (or possibly a glutton for punishment) I quickly inquire “Well did you receive, and have chance to take a look at all of the training information I emailed to you after our conversation last week?”

<…deafening silence…>

“Within those resources I provided you are the answers to the majority of the basic introductory questions you’re having now.” I tell him. “You know, a quick peruse through that information will save you time and frustration having to make phone calls in the moment” I urge. To which he finally and pointedly replies: “Yeah, I got the information, but I don’t have any extra time to spend on that stuff, I go to school full time and work, and am just too busy.” Then he abruptly hangs up…

I’m left hanging, asking myself what the hell just happened here? I’m thinking I must be in the middle of some kind of fucking nightmare right now because no matter what I say, or how many times I offer up assistance, or how nice, or responsive, or professional, or thorough I am… it’s a no-win situation with this person. Nothing gets through, nothing is good enough, nothing changes, and nothing improves no matter how hard I try.

Zombie-like due to disbelief, I immediately commence to committing this diatribe into the annals of the talk shiFt-osphere you’re reading right here…

What SHOULD have happened:

1. Do your homework, give your dilemma due-diligence, and put some time and effort into solving your own (easily resolvable) problem before contacting the wrong person (who has already gone to great lengths to help you previously), at the wrong time.

2. Realize what an insensitive and self-centered tool you are for not doing #1.

3. Don’t fucking call me. Ever. Again.

Agree or disagree; just no apathy.

Stay tuned-in…


Spaced Out


What happened:

Waiting in the long line for concessions at the movie theatre, while the guy behind me is literally breathing down my neck, practically on top of me, impatiently huffing and puffing semi-obnoxiously over the slowness of the line.

What should have happened:

  1. Recognize that you’re not the only one here who is hungry and in a hurry to get your ass into a seat before the movie starts.
  2. Recognize that your lateness and resulting impatience is caused by your poor planning, and this is your problem, not mine.
  3. Recognize that the only thing your annoying, attention-seeking behavior is speeding up is the perception that you’re a fucking idiot.
  4. Finally recognize that in the United States, appropriate social space distances (Proxemics), are typically between 4ft.-12ft. So back the hell up, while shutting the hell up, before I really give you something to bitch and moan about.

Enjoy the show…

Agree or disagree; just no apathy.

Stay tuned-in…